Today I should be sorting and packing and getting ready for our move, but I am not. After that last post Mike highly encouraged me to not blog after 10PM, lest everyone think our lives are completely miserable here. So in trying to keep with his advice, I am taking time in the middle of the day to write instead of cleaning out the toy boxes.
I have felt a certain kinship with Sariah of the Book of Mormon lately. Last week for Family Home Evening Andrew chose to tell the story of Lehi's journey into the wilderness as his lesson. He held up his GAK picture and read the story and scripture references on the back. Then we (OK, I) talked about how we could relate the story to our life now.
I have been thinking about the story this week and how it really does relate to my life now. Lehi was told to take his family to a better place, to leave behind all but the most basic of possessions, and to trust the Lord to take care of them and lead them to where he wanted them to be. A few months ago my husband felt prompted to apply for a new job in another state. He got the job, and we are now getting ready to move several states away, leaving behind our home, our friends, and a lot of our belongings, to follow him into another sort of wilderness (really, I will need my own liahona to find my way around for the first few months!), trusting that the Lord will lead us to where he needs us to be and that he will take care of us.
I really, really didn't want to be the supportive wife. I remained noncommittal, I shrugged my shoulders a lot, I dragged my feet, I stuck my head in the sand and ignored upcoming deadlines.
It didn't make sense to me at all- to sell our house when the market is dead, to pull the kids out of a school they love, to leave our friends and ward family, to relocate to a place where the cost of living is nearly doubled, where safe and affordable housing is nearly impossible to find, his commute to work will be hours long and expensive, and take a pay cut on top of it all. Take a step backwards and go from owning our home to renting, from 1500 square feet to 950, to 60 hours work weeks instead of 40. The timing was terrible- we were about to have a baby, the kids were in the middle of school, our house would be hard to sell. In all the lists I made, it just seemed like the worst thing to do.
We moved forward anyway, because when it came right down to it, we knew it was the right thing for our family right now. The Lord didn't leave Sariah and her children to wander alone in the wilderness, he helped them every step of the way, as long as they were willing to listen.
And when I stopped being so stubborn and started praying for help, it came. The start date was two months after baby's arrival. Relocation benefits would cover professional movers to do the packing and moving and cover traveling expenses for all of us. Health and dental benefits were better. We looked outside our original search area and found affordable housing in a good neighborhood across the street from a top-ranked school for the kids, only minutes away from family. The new employer would pay for Mike's commute on the transit system that stopped just blocks away from our new house. When we ran the numbers again, our budget balanced- even with the pay cut, the cost of living increase, the housing payments for both our old and new houses. It was going to be OK, not easy, but OK.
Of course, what is a journey into the wilderness without a little faith-testing? We are leaving behind our house, unsold, hoping that the realtor will take care of it and get it sold before the savings run out. We are giving away enough furniture to fill a small apartment, but I am grateful that we have enough to spare. I still don't know anyone. My kids will be the new kids at school and have to make some academic adjustments. I am certain I will get hopelessly lost at least a handful of times trying to find the church or the grocery store. And there will be snow in the winter.
I will go anyway. I will be grateful and positive. I will be supportive. And I am determined to like it! After all, I like it here in this place I once thought of as a hot, humid, bug-infested, pollen covered, mess. It can only get better! Maybe the wilderness will turn out to be the promised land.
And now I will go sort the toy boxes.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wanted: Mothering Lessons
I need some help.
I need someone to teach me how to be one of THOSE mothers. You know, the kind that can write about how much she loves her job. One of those who who is thankful for challenges and who cherishes the midnight feedings for the chance to be alone at 4am with God and her baby and meditate on spiritual matters and come away grateful and happy.
Not one of those mothers who dreads bedtime and the hours following it, knowing that everyone in the world will soon be sailing off to dreamland and she isn't allowed to get on the boat. Who will, instead of feeling grateful and uplifted, come away from middle of the night feedings feeling just plan tired, and angry at the ones keeping her awake and even angrier at the ones sleeping while she is not.
I don't feeling nurturing and tender and all those other things moms are supposed to feel during the night. I feel cranky and want to throw a pillow at whatever is making noise and hope it will go away.
I am tired of midnight mothering. I am tired of the toddler who takes her diaper off and comes wandering in wet and naked and cold and spends the rest of the night tossing and turning and trying to warm up her cold feet on my back. Or the one who insists on waking before the sun and emptying the contents of his toy box loudly onto the bedroom floor piece by noisy piece. Or the oldest, who seems to be always up with nose bleeds or stomach aches or vomiting or growing pains or nightmares. Or the constant neediness of the infant, who relies on you completely for feedings and diaper changes and pacification, but who is too small and innocent to really be held accountable so you can't get upset with her, leaving you no one to feel angry at but yourself for being angry in the first place.
In fact, I think I'm getting tired of this mothering thing altogether. I am tired of all the crying. So much crying and whining!
I am tired of arguing for hours with a toddler over silly things, like why she can't take a bath 15 times a day or eat marshmallows for every meal or push the buttons on the DVD player until it breaks.
Tired of trying to convince the boy to eat something besides fruit snacks and chicken nuggets and to change his underwear every day and not to use the curtain rod as a weapon against imaginary enemies or his sisters.
I am tired of nagging my girl who has lost her brain somewhere the last few weeks and leaves a trail of forgetfulness behind her- from the milk jug on the table to the open bread bag and lunch meat on the counter to the shoes in the entry and the jacket in the hall, the laundry half folded on the couch and her hair brush on the piano.
I am tired of diapers and breast milk and spit up. Of an endless cycle of nap times and nursing that leaves little room for anything else. Of to-do lists that get longer instead of shorter. Of the constant interruption that leaves everything from dinner to wet laundry to conversations all half-finished and undone.
I missed my freeway exit yesterday and nearly drove into another state because I missed the sign and was too busy thinking up outlandish ways I might escape for a while- get a job working nights so someone else could do bedtime, just keep driving for a few hours instead of going home after a quick trip out to do errands, fake amnesia and check myself into the hospital for a full night's sleep before making a miraculous recovery, take a long train trip with the kids and hope the movement would put them to sleep and get some rest while some one else is driving.
So, how do you do it? How do you get past the tired to the grateful, or even just not annoyed at the world, stage of mothering? Because I really want to be one of THOSE mothers, not so much this one. I need to learn before they grow up, because I love them to death and they deserve so much more than just tired!
I need someone to teach me how to be one of THOSE mothers. You know, the kind that can write about how much she loves her job. One of those who who is thankful for challenges and who cherishes the midnight feedings for the chance to be alone at 4am with God and her baby and meditate on spiritual matters and come away grateful and happy.
Not one of those mothers who dreads bedtime and the hours following it, knowing that everyone in the world will soon be sailing off to dreamland and she isn't allowed to get on the boat. Who will, instead of feeling grateful and uplifted, come away from middle of the night feedings feeling just plan tired, and angry at the ones keeping her awake and even angrier at the ones sleeping while she is not.
I don't feeling nurturing and tender and all those other things moms are supposed to feel during the night. I feel cranky and want to throw a pillow at whatever is making noise and hope it will go away.
I am tired of midnight mothering. I am tired of the toddler who takes her diaper off and comes wandering in wet and naked and cold and spends the rest of the night tossing and turning and trying to warm up her cold feet on my back. Or the one who insists on waking before the sun and emptying the contents of his toy box loudly onto the bedroom floor piece by noisy piece. Or the oldest, who seems to be always up with nose bleeds or stomach aches or vomiting or growing pains or nightmares. Or the constant neediness of the infant, who relies on you completely for feedings and diaper changes and pacification, but who is too small and innocent to really be held accountable so you can't get upset with her, leaving you no one to feel angry at but yourself for being angry in the first place.
In fact, I think I'm getting tired of this mothering thing altogether. I am tired of all the crying. So much crying and whining!
I am tired of arguing for hours with a toddler over silly things, like why she can't take a bath 15 times a day or eat marshmallows for every meal or push the buttons on the DVD player until it breaks.
Tired of trying to convince the boy to eat something besides fruit snacks and chicken nuggets and to change his underwear every day and not to use the curtain rod as a weapon against imaginary enemies or his sisters.
I am tired of nagging my girl who has lost her brain somewhere the last few weeks and leaves a trail of forgetfulness behind her- from the milk jug on the table to the open bread bag and lunch meat on the counter to the shoes in the entry and the jacket in the hall, the laundry half folded on the couch and her hair brush on the piano.
I am tired of diapers and breast milk and spit up. Of an endless cycle of nap times and nursing that leaves little room for anything else. Of to-do lists that get longer instead of shorter. Of the constant interruption that leaves everything from dinner to wet laundry to conversations all half-finished and undone.
I missed my freeway exit yesterday and nearly drove into another state because I missed the sign and was too busy thinking up outlandish ways I might escape for a while- get a job working nights so someone else could do bedtime, just keep driving for a few hours instead of going home after a quick trip out to do errands, fake amnesia and check myself into the hospital for a full night's sleep before making a miraculous recovery, take a long train trip with the kids and hope the movement would put them to sleep and get some rest while some one else is driving.
So, how do you do it? How do you get past the tired to the grateful, or even just not annoyed at the world, stage of mothering? Because I really want to be one of THOSE mothers, not so much this one. I need to learn before they grow up, because I love them to death and they deserve so much more than just tired!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Good Enough
Today I am good enough. Not super, outstanding, examplary, or even great, but good. And good is enough.
One of the ideas I have struggled with in various forms throughout my life is never feeling good enough, and when I was good enough, that good enough wasn't enough. I needed to be great, above average, excellent, or perfect. If it was worth doing, it was worth doing right- exactly and perfectly right! This has left me with a string of unfinished projects (can't finish right, might as well just not do it anymore!), lots of unmet expectations, and a whole lot of frustration!
A few years ago I was standing in the back of a relief society socail. The chairs were arranged ina large circle around the room and each woman around the circle was taking a turn introducing herself, telling her name and one thing about her that would help other people remember her. "My name is Jen and I run marathons." "My name is Hannah and I like to do food storage." "My name is Diane and my husband says I kiss better than I cook." "My name is Candes and I make cards." I remember feeling very relieved as the turns passed over me since I was standing by the door, outside of the circle because I didn't know what to say. When it did make it back around to me, I was the last person and was holding a stack of paper plates and was able to come up with something to lead into the closing prayer and refreshments, but was still unsettled. I didn't have a thing. I wasn't the runner, or the cook, or the food storage lady. I was just, well, me.
It has taken a while, but I have come to accept that I am just me. I am not the anything lady. I don't do anything amazingly well, but do lots of things good enough.
I like to bake cookies and make birthday cakes for my kids, but I am not a pastry chef. I like to cook, but no one will get excited when I walk in the door at ward potlucks.
I have a blog, but it won't win an award for great pictures or life changing stories or have a hundred follwers (in fact, this one is new, so there are no followers!)
I like to sew but am not a seamstress. I do crafts, but won't ever make them in bulk and open an etsy shop.
My food storage is store-bought canned goods and kits from the storehouse, not home grown produce or hundreds of cans on a rotation shelf.
I accept callings and serve willingly but teach forgettable primary lessons and will never sing in the chior.
I take my kids to the library and read them lots of books, but they attend public school and don't get piano lessons or speak latin.
I exercise regularly but will never run a marathon.
My house is comfortable and company clean but won't ever be in an interior design catalog.
I have a wonderful husband and a solid marriage. I have four great kids who make good choices and know they are loved. Our home is a place where the Spirit dwells and everyone is comfortable. I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see and am fairly certain that I am in good standing with the Lord.
And that is good enough.
What misconceptions or myths about womanhood have you overcome? Read more or share your own ideas for Wordfull Wednesday at Chocolate on my Cranium!
One of the ideas I have struggled with in various forms throughout my life is never feeling good enough, and when I was good enough, that good enough wasn't enough. I needed to be great, above average, excellent, or perfect. If it was worth doing, it was worth doing right- exactly and perfectly right! This has left me with a string of unfinished projects (can't finish right, might as well just not do it anymore!), lots of unmet expectations, and a whole lot of frustration!
A few years ago I was standing in the back of a relief society socail. The chairs were arranged ina large circle around the room and each woman around the circle was taking a turn introducing herself, telling her name and one thing about her that would help other people remember her. "My name is Jen and I run marathons." "My name is Hannah and I like to do food storage." "My name is Diane and my husband says I kiss better than I cook." "My name is Candes and I make cards." I remember feeling very relieved as the turns passed over me since I was standing by the door, outside of the circle because I didn't know what to say. When it did make it back around to me, I was the last person and was holding a stack of paper plates and was able to come up with something to lead into the closing prayer and refreshments, but was still unsettled. I didn't have a thing. I wasn't the runner, or the cook, or the food storage lady. I was just, well, me.
It has taken a while, but I have come to accept that I am just me. I am not the anything lady. I don't do anything amazingly well, but do lots of things good enough.
I like to bake cookies and make birthday cakes for my kids, but I am not a pastry chef. I like to cook, but no one will get excited when I walk in the door at ward potlucks.
I have a blog, but it won't win an award for great pictures or life changing stories or have a hundred follwers (in fact, this one is new, so there are no followers!)
I like to sew but am not a seamstress. I do crafts, but won't ever make them in bulk and open an etsy shop.
My food storage is store-bought canned goods and kits from the storehouse, not home grown produce or hundreds of cans on a rotation shelf.
I accept callings and serve willingly but teach forgettable primary lessons and will never sing in the chior.
I take my kids to the library and read them lots of books, but they attend public school and don't get piano lessons or speak latin.
I exercise regularly but will never run a marathon.
My house is comfortable and company clean but won't ever be in an interior design catalog.
I have a wonderful husband and a solid marriage. I have four great kids who make good choices and know they are loved. Our home is a place where the Spirit dwells and everyone is comfortable. I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see and am fairly certain that I am in good standing with the Lord.
And that is good enough.
What misconceptions or myths about womanhood have you overcome? Read more or share your own ideas for Wordfull Wednesday at Chocolate on my Cranium!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Brain storm
One of my favorite one-liners from when I was growing up:
Person (usually a younger sibling): "I have an idea."
Me: "Hurry, spit it out before it dies of loneliness!"
I was loving and encouraging that way.
So here are some of my ideas for my little corner of the blogosphere, typed out before they die of loneliness.
List of linky parties participated in on the sidebar, instead of in individual posts.
Family photos or kid photos with nicknames instead of real names for reference here. Think of nicknames for kids that aren't just shortened versions of their names.
Perhaps a regular schedule of things to write about, some sort of structure. JOY posts, thankful, dinner diaries, creative outlet, ? Some sort of facebook plug in for all the days I have only enough for a single sentence status update.
Post ideas in my head right now:
Sunday society- keepers, how-to Tuesday- cookies, wordful Wednesday- Mormon mommy myths, 1500 to 1000 sq ft slim down, fresh starts/reinvention, the luxury of work, what's in a name, move madness, summer camp planner.
Ok, that's all I've got. The rest suffocated before I got them out. Now to actually turn the ideas into actions!
Person (usually a younger sibling): "I have an idea."
Me: "Hurry, spit it out before it dies of loneliness!"
I was loving and encouraging that way.
So here are some of my ideas for my little corner of the blogosphere, typed out before they die of loneliness.
List of linky parties participated in on the sidebar, instead of in individual posts.
Family photos or kid photos with nicknames instead of real names for reference here. Think of nicknames for kids that aren't just shortened versions of their names.
Perhaps a regular schedule of things to write about, some sort of structure. JOY posts, thankful, dinner diaries, creative outlet, ? Some sort of facebook plug in for all the days I have only enough for a single sentence status update.
Post ideas in my head right now:
Sunday society- keepers, how-to Tuesday- cookies, wordful Wednesday- Mormon mommy myths, 1500 to 1000 sq ft slim down, fresh starts/reinvention, the luxury of work, what's in a name, move madness, summer camp planner.
Ok, that's all I've got. The rest suffocated before I got them out. Now to actually turn the ideas into actions!
Friday, March 18, 2011
I Should Have Bought the Extended Warranty
This weekend my dishwasher, oven, stove, and washing machine all stopped working.
For two solid weeks, they worked amazingly well. Friday morning, they stopped.
First, the stove and oven. I walked into the kitchen at meal time, and there wasn't food ready and waiting. No yummy casseroles, warm cookies, or even a peanut butter sandwich for the little one. The burners were off, the oven cold and empty. I have checked back several times over the weekend, and there is no sign of improvement. Turning on the oven light didn't help, nor did placing the empty pots and pans on top of the range. I am out of quick-fix ideas.
Next, the sink and dishwasher. I used to be able to put dishes into the sink at various times throughout the day and by the time I went to bed, they had been moved to the dishwasher for cleaning, and by morning were all back in their rightful places in the cabinets. I have been dropping things into the sink all weekend and they are still there. Opening the door of the dishwasher didn't seem to help, except for letting the kids get their own dishes out more easily.
Finally the washer/dryer combo. The dryer has stopped spontaneously producing loads of clean laundry. The clothes hampers are filling with clothes and they are not being emptied into the washer while I sleep, and thus unable to be transferred to the dryer and made available for use.
The weekly vacuuming time for the rugs is fast approaching and I am afraid that my vacuum cleaner is going to follow suit and somehow refuse to do its job as well. And when the groceries run out this weekend, I suppose that the fridge and cabinets will also go on the fritz and not refill with food while I am in the shower or feeding the baby?
In a case of really poor timing, the above described appliance disasters all coincide with the departure of my mother. I am not convinced they are completely unrelated.
I should have signed up for the extended care plan.
For two solid weeks, they worked amazingly well. Friday morning, they stopped.
First, the stove and oven. I walked into the kitchen at meal time, and there wasn't food ready and waiting. No yummy casseroles, warm cookies, or even a peanut butter sandwich for the little one. The burners were off, the oven cold and empty. I have checked back several times over the weekend, and there is no sign of improvement. Turning on the oven light didn't help, nor did placing the empty pots and pans on top of the range. I am out of quick-fix ideas.
Next, the sink and dishwasher. I used to be able to put dishes into the sink at various times throughout the day and by the time I went to bed, they had been moved to the dishwasher for cleaning, and by morning were all back in their rightful places in the cabinets. I have been dropping things into the sink all weekend and they are still there. Opening the door of the dishwasher didn't seem to help, except for letting the kids get their own dishes out more easily.
Finally the washer/dryer combo. The dryer has stopped spontaneously producing loads of clean laundry. The clothes hampers are filling with clothes and they are not being emptied into the washer while I sleep, and thus unable to be transferred to the dryer and made available for use.
The weekly vacuuming time for the rugs is fast approaching and I am afraid that my vacuum cleaner is going to follow suit and somehow refuse to do its job as well. And when the groceries run out this weekend, I suppose that the fridge and cabinets will also go on the fritz and not refill with food while I am in the shower or feeding the baby?
In a case of really poor timing, the above described appliance disasters all coincide with the departure of my mother. I am not convinced they are completely unrelated.
I should have signed up for the extended care plan.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
More Words
I wrote that last post last night. After about 7 hours of constant crying. Not constant, maybe just 20 minutes of every hours. The other 40 went like this: 20 minutes to nurse, 10 to burp or be changed, and 10 more to feign sleep until she got put down and woke right up.
Anyway, that doesn't start until about 3 or 4PM. So up until then, life isn't really that bad around here. My positive attitude and optimism decrease rapidly when there is screaming in the background. Anyway, it is only noon right now, and she has slept peacefully in her little car seat for over an hour after sleeping 5 hours in a row last night. I thought I would throw out some of my happier thoughts now before they are suffocated later by chaos and screaming, lest anyone out there think I am about to go off the deep end.
It is spring at our house. Last week there was a flock of about 50 robins (not counting the ones in the tree or the neighbor's yard) in our back yard poking around for worms, using the sandbox lid as a bird bath, and otherwise being birds. It was wonderful entertainment for the kids, until they thought it was more fun to run screaming outside to scare them away and watch them fly off. Watching that many flapping birds I was reminded of a scene from "The Birds" and I was a little creeped out.
There are five very tall white iris plants blooming along the back fence. I wonder how long they have been there and I never bothered to notice?
The red azalea bushes are blooming. The bumble bees are out. It was fun watching B trying to talk to one while it was hovering around the back door. "Buzzz! Buzzzzzz! Don't come in my house! Buzzzz!"
Mike has just buried the front flower beds in pine straw, in hopes of keeping the kudzu and poison ivy vines from covering the whole house while we are gone. I can't say we will miss the yard work while we are in a rental.
I wrote a post about disappearing baby socks when B was born. In the two years since there have been no improvements in the design of baby socks. Though we do enjoy looking at and tickling her new baby feet.
I am looking forward to movers coming and packing up everything I own and moving for me. Then, I can unpack only what I want to deal with (read: clean up) and leave the rest safely out of reach and in storage until we are ready for it. I would love to say before they come I will have everything sorted and minimized and we will only be moving the stuff we will need but I have realized that is not going to happen. So I will deal with it on the other end.
We will be losing about a third of our living space. I am hoping with some strategic organizing we can make it work without feeling too squished. I have been browsing through a few home dec blogs and think I can make it work with spaces like this "cloffice" and entry closet mud room.
And by hiding all the toys. I have a plan. I am really hoping to be making regular trips to Nana's house, Aunt Lauri's house, and Aunt Tammy's house. And I can't have my kids going over and being bored right? I will completely ignore the fact that they are prepared hosts and have a stash of toys for little visitors and will bring a milk crate or so full of ours to use. Then I will leave them there. After a trip or two, I should be able to spread out our toy closet pretty well leaving just a minimum here. Think it will work? Then the kids can't get mad at me for giving their stuff away but I only have to deal with it once in a while.
I am really looking forward to going with Mike back to his homeland.
I am trying to ignore little annoying things like:
I will be totally lost for months
we might get snow over spring break
I will lose my husband to a long commute
I have to learn to drive in the snow
And focus on the good things like:
I hear the roaches don't grow the three inches long there
that insects freeze over the winter instead
The schools are better
We will be living across the street from the school so no bus stop or carpool line
We have a nice line up of babysitters as soon as our kids get comfortable with their relatives
the scenery is beautiful
We get to play in the snow
We can have Sunday dinner with Nana
I think I can arrange some sort of regular delivery of homemade bread in exchange for something ridiculously easy like loaning out my kids to help in the garden or doing the dishes or dusting the piano
When A asked me if we could plant a garden, I told him he could go dig and pull weeds in papa's garden and he was happy and I didn't have to dig anything
We can have a houseful of relatives for birthday parties and holidays
Maybe our allergies won't be so strong there
Someone else is in charge of mowing the lawn and fixing the leaky roof
There is a playground in our backyard
We are just a commuter train ride away from a million tourist attractions in Washington DC
I am looking forward to planning a fun sibling summer camp with field trips and guest teachers and satellite locations by drawing on all our new resources (read: can we come swim in your pool, feed your cats, dig in your garden, or explore your back yard?)
We are a manageable distance from a central meeting point with our dear friends here so moving away isn't so bad
I am looking forward to starting over in a new ward. No history to determine where you serve or who you sit by. I can basically paint myself as whomever I choose. An interesting thought. I could decide to be a blond or a red head and no one would know I was faking it. No one knows I can use the computer and make me the perpetual newsletter writer or that I am a teacher and will have me teaching primary until I have memorized the lesson manuals. Not that these were bad callings, I actually enjoyed them all most of the time. But it is always interesting to see where the Lord directs them to put you when they know nothing about you.
We decided to move now and not wait until school was over or the house sold because:
We love daddy and didn't want to lose him indefinitely
I am a crappy single parent. I need back up.
Four kids can be an amazing opposition force to getting and keeping a house ready to show to potential buyers.
We thought our house would sell better and faster if it wasn't full of our stuff and people could see the gorgeous floors, big kitchen, and other details hidden in layers of kid crap.
Our kids are on the shy side and could use the attention of being the new kid when it comes to making friends.
Our kids are pretty smart and will do fine academically switching schools in the middle of the year.
Our kids are pretty smart and need to be here this year to get tested and placed in the programs they need for next year.
We miraculously had all the pieces fall into place in just a few days after weeks of frustrating dead ends, about the same time I realized I couldn't fix it all by myself and started praying for some help. Affordable house, free commute, convenient location, good school district, workable budget to carry to house payments.
And I won't have to give away my kids to keep my sanity the next few months. Or at least now I can give them away to family.
See? Not completely off the deep end.
Anyway, that doesn't start until about 3 or 4PM. So up until then, life isn't really that bad around here. My positive attitude and optimism decrease rapidly when there is screaming in the background. Anyway, it is only noon right now, and she has slept peacefully in her little car seat for over an hour after sleeping 5 hours in a row last night. I thought I would throw out some of my happier thoughts now before they are suffocated later by chaos and screaming, lest anyone out there think I am about to go off the deep end.
It is spring at our house. Last week there was a flock of about 50 robins (not counting the ones in the tree or the neighbor's yard) in our back yard poking around for worms, using the sandbox lid as a bird bath, and otherwise being birds. It was wonderful entertainment for the kids, until they thought it was more fun to run screaming outside to scare them away and watch them fly off. Watching that many flapping birds I was reminded of a scene from "The Birds" and I was a little creeped out.
There are five very tall white iris plants blooming along the back fence. I wonder how long they have been there and I never bothered to notice?
The red azalea bushes are blooming. The bumble bees are out. It was fun watching B trying to talk to one while it was hovering around the back door. "Buzzz! Buzzzzzz! Don't come in my house! Buzzzz!"
Mike has just buried the front flower beds in pine straw, in hopes of keeping the kudzu and poison ivy vines from covering the whole house while we are gone. I can't say we will miss the yard work while we are in a rental.
I wrote a post about disappearing baby socks when B was born. In the two years since there have been no improvements in the design of baby socks. Though we do enjoy looking at and tickling her new baby feet.
I am looking forward to movers coming and packing up everything I own and moving for me. Then, I can unpack only what I want to deal with (read: clean up) and leave the rest safely out of reach and in storage until we are ready for it. I would love to say before they come I will have everything sorted and minimized and we will only be moving the stuff we will need but I have realized that is not going to happen. So I will deal with it on the other end.
We will be losing about a third of our living space. I am hoping with some strategic organizing we can make it work without feeling too squished. I have been browsing through a few home dec blogs and think I can make it work with spaces like this "cloffice" and entry closet mud room.
And by hiding all the toys. I have a plan. I am really hoping to be making regular trips to Nana's house, Aunt Lauri's house, and Aunt Tammy's house. And I can't have my kids going over and being bored right? I will completely ignore the fact that they are prepared hosts and have a stash of toys for little visitors and will bring a milk crate or so full of ours to use. Then I will leave them there. After a trip or two, I should be able to spread out our toy closet pretty well leaving just a minimum here. Think it will work? Then the kids can't get mad at me for giving their stuff away but I only have to deal with it once in a while.
I am really looking forward to going with Mike back to his homeland.
I am trying to ignore little annoying things like:
I will be totally lost for months
we might get snow over spring break
I will lose my husband to a long commute
I have to learn to drive in the snow
And focus on the good things like:
I hear the roaches don't grow the three inches long there
that insects freeze over the winter instead
The schools are better
We will be living across the street from the school so no bus stop or carpool line
We have a nice line up of babysitters as soon as our kids get comfortable with their relatives
the scenery is beautiful
We get to play in the snow
We can have Sunday dinner with Nana
I think I can arrange some sort of regular delivery of homemade bread in exchange for something ridiculously easy like loaning out my kids to help in the garden or doing the dishes or dusting the piano
When A asked me if we could plant a garden, I told him he could go dig and pull weeds in papa's garden and he was happy and I didn't have to dig anything
We can have a houseful of relatives for birthday parties and holidays
Maybe our allergies won't be so strong there
Someone else is in charge of mowing the lawn and fixing the leaky roof
There is a playground in our backyard
We are just a commuter train ride away from a million tourist attractions in Washington DC
I am looking forward to planning a fun sibling summer camp with field trips and guest teachers and satellite locations by drawing on all our new resources (read: can we come swim in your pool, feed your cats, dig in your garden, or explore your back yard?)
We are a manageable distance from a central meeting point with our dear friends here so moving away isn't so bad
I am looking forward to starting over in a new ward. No history to determine where you serve or who you sit by. I can basically paint myself as whomever I choose. An interesting thought. I could decide to be a blond or a red head and no one would know I was faking it. No one knows I can use the computer and make me the perpetual newsletter writer or that I am a teacher and will have me teaching primary until I have memorized the lesson manuals. Not that these were bad callings, I actually enjoyed them all most of the time. But it is always interesting to see where the Lord directs them to put you when they know nothing about you.
We decided to move now and not wait until school was over or the house sold because:
We love daddy and didn't want to lose him indefinitely
I am a crappy single parent. I need back up.
Four kids can be an amazing opposition force to getting and keeping a house ready to show to potential buyers.
We thought our house would sell better and faster if it wasn't full of our stuff and people could see the gorgeous floors, big kitchen, and other details hidden in layers of kid crap.
Our kids are on the shy side and could use the attention of being the new kid when it comes to making friends.
Our kids are pretty smart and will do fine academically switching schools in the middle of the year.
Our kids are pretty smart and need to be here this year to get tested and placed in the programs they need for next year.
We miraculously had all the pieces fall into place in just a few days after weeks of frustrating dead ends, about the same time I realized I couldn't fix it all by myself and started praying for some help. Affordable house, free commute, convenient location, good school district, workable budget to carry to house payments.
And I won't have to give away my kids to keep my sanity the next few months. Or at least now I can give them away to family.
See? Not completely off the deep end.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
No Words
I have nothing to say lately. I have plenty to say when I am away from the computer, but my mind goes blank when I sit here.
I have been thinking in little one-liners instead of paragraphs- the most complete thoughts I can manage in the few minutes each day the crying and needing stops long enough for me to have thoughts of my own. And it isn't really worth the trouble to blog one sentence, no matter how profound it might seem at the time. So my blog sits empty waiting for something intelligent to show up on the screen.
As a stop-gap, here is a list of single thoughts that have wandered through my mind lately, at least the ones that I can still remember.
B informed me today that "My cracker is an octagon!" Who taught her about octagons? And she was right, it was an octagon.
E a very expressive face, esp when crying. I can watch her and tell she is not just screaming, she is actually trying to tell me something. I wish I knew what it was.
In fact that was as far as I got in one sitting before I had to go change a diaper and feed the baby to stop the crying. See, no complete thoughts.
E is getting a bald spot right where B kisses her 100 times a day. Coincidence? Maybe.
I need to lose 30 pounds and see if I can find my stomach muscles. I tried on 15 pairs of pants last weekend and not a single one fit. As an alternative to sweats and pajama pants, I went out an bought myself a pair of jeans. From the women's section. It was depressing.
B asked me to make her cookies today. No, actually she wanted to make the cookies. She helped me make peanut butter cookies. Her favorite part was tasting the cookie dough and smashing the dough balls with a glass. And of course eating them.
Saw a post on another blog about the great tv debate. my opinion- I hate tv, but I need it. I think it wastes time and money. Especially professional sports and reality tv. But I need it to get a shower or make dinner when nothing else will hold her interest and keep her from destroying everything she can reach. But I hate that it feels like I need it. And I watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune while nursing the baby and ignored the kids who needed to be put back to bed.
I have no calling at church and feel totally lost on Sundays.
We had a lesson on Sunday about work. I wanted to comment about being grateful for the chance to work. That I would love to be able to sit and scrub floors for an hour straight. Or do anything for an hour straight. But I didn't.
I have a growing folder of bookmarks on my computer of things I want to make.
I want to write a post about everything I have learned about home ownership living here. And all the things I want in my next house. Before I forget what it is.
My kids were super excited when they learned we were moving in 3 weeks. It made it a lot easier to be happy about it myself.
I wonder if L will be negatively set back if I can't fight to get her into the gifted class next year. Is there anything wrong with just going to normal school?
I have been considering the idea of bartering for piano lessons- preschool for your kid at my house two mornings a week in exchange for a weekly piano lesson for my two kids. What do you think? Possible? Interested?
I have been having trouble getting excited for our upcoming move. Would it be disloyal or hurtful to my current friends and situation to be happy to be leaving them all behind?
Had to take another break here.
I didn't go see Pioneer Woman at the library last weekend. And it didn't ruin my life. Good to know.
I hate it when the tv is on the baby is crying and instead of trying to help, the tv just gets turned up louder.
Ok, that is all I can get out. The tv is really loud, the crying is still louder, and there is nothing else to do but start pacing, turn on the kid's music so they can stay asleep thru the crying and loud tv, and pray. See you again at 4 am.
I have been thinking in little one-liners instead of paragraphs- the most complete thoughts I can manage in the few minutes each day the crying and needing stops long enough for me to have thoughts of my own. And it isn't really worth the trouble to blog one sentence, no matter how profound it might seem at the time. So my blog sits empty waiting for something intelligent to show up on the screen.
As a stop-gap, here is a list of single thoughts that have wandered through my mind lately, at least the ones that I can still remember.
B informed me today that "My cracker is an octagon!" Who taught her about octagons? And she was right, it was an octagon.
E a very expressive face, esp when crying. I can watch her and tell she is not just screaming, she is actually trying to tell me something. I wish I knew what it was.
In fact that was as far as I got in one sitting before I had to go change a diaper and feed the baby to stop the crying. See, no complete thoughts.
E is getting a bald spot right where B kisses her 100 times a day. Coincidence? Maybe.
I need to lose 30 pounds and see if I can find my stomach muscles. I tried on 15 pairs of pants last weekend and not a single one fit. As an alternative to sweats and pajama pants, I went out an bought myself a pair of jeans. From the women's section. It was depressing.
B asked me to make her cookies today. No, actually she wanted to make the cookies. She helped me make peanut butter cookies. Her favorite part was tasting the cookie dough and smashing the dough balls with a glass. And of course eating them.
Saw a post on another blog about the great tv debate. my opinion- I hate tv, but I need it. I think it wastes time and money. Especially professional sports and reality tv. But I need it to get a shower or make dinner when nothing else will hold her interest and keep her from destroying everything she can reach. But I hate that it feels like I need it. And I watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune while nursing the baby and ignored the kids who needed to be put back to bed.
I have no calling at church and feel totally lost on Sundays.
We had a lesson on Sunday about work. I wanted to comment about being grateful for the chance to work. That I would love to be able to sit and scrub floors for an hour straight. Or do anything for an hour straight. But I didn't.
I have a growing folder of bookmarks on my computer of things I want to make.
I want to write a post about everything I have learned about home ownership living here. And all the things I want in my next house. Before I forget what it is.
My kids were super excited when they learned we were moving in 3 weeks. It made it a lot easier to be happy about it myself.
I wonder if L will be negatively set back if I can't fight to get her into the gifted class next year. Is there anything wrong with just going to normal school?
I have been considering the idea of bartering for piano lessons- preschool for your kid at my house two mornings a week in exchange for a weekly piano lesson for my two kids. What do you think? Possible? Interested?
I have been having trouble getting excited for our upcoming move. Would it be disloyal or hurtful to my current friends and situation to be happy to be leaving them all behind?
Had to take another break here.
I didn't go see Pioneer Woman at the library last weekend. And it didn't ruin my life. Good to know.
I hate it when the tv is on the baby is crying and instead of trying to help, the tv just gets turned up louder.
Ok, that is all I can get out. The tv is really loud, the crying is still louder, and there is nothing else to do but start pacing, turn on the kid's music so they can stay asleep thru the crying and loud tv, and pray. See you again at 4 am.
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